Confessions of a Cereal Killer

Dear Nobody,

Yesterday, i went to Zouk! Yes, ladees and gentlemen, i was HOT and HAPPENIN’!!! It was ladies night and…well, i was hoping to talk about how many cute guys approached me and the way i rejected them but…too bad! All that approached me were slimeballs and/or ugly dancers.

Alright, now i’m going to release my barrage of complaints. First of all, Zouk is totally overrated (well, at least Zouk - Mainroom is)! What is so great about that place? I was really looking forward to going there yesterday because i heard so much about it. But i was severely disappointed.

Let me start with the guys there. I’ve never met a bunch of people who dance as badly as those guys or who are sleazier than them. I’ll start with the malay guys. They stand around the edges of the dancefloor and bars and make squeaky noises not unlike those that are made by rodents whenever a member of the opposite sex passes by. When i first stepped into the club and heard that i half thought there were rats around. Man, how desperate can you get?! It’s as if they’ve never seen girls before.

And then, there are those indian guys. They hog the dance floor to show off their ’shuffling’. And the rest of us- we had to step aside and stick to the wall- or in this case, to each other- to avoid them! i ended up sandwiched between my girlfriends while snapping my fingers and weakly moving my shoulders in an attempt to dance in a confined space. Plus, their dance moves were so ugly!

Speaking of which, this brings me to the subject of chinese guys. They. Simply. Can’t. Dance. Period. All they do is stand around and move one fist in a stabbing motion (which i thought was kinda alarming- what do these guys really mean by shaking their fists like that? In a stabbing motion!) while staring around at hot chicks. They don’t even bother to use both hands! Obviously, these guys can’t multitask. If you want to admire girls why not just stand by the bar or the table istead of taking up space on the dance floor? Do they honestly think some girl will catch their eye and ask them to dance? These guys gotta wake up.

But the worse of the lot has got to be those caucasians. Apparently they really come to clubs hoping to hook up some sarong party girl. Some of them are REAL SLIMEBALLS! They really disgust me. There’s this one guy who wanted me to spank him! Well, maybe i could be a sport and give him a lil’ pat on the ass if he didn’t try grabbing MY ass! Goodness. These guys have no Social Decorum at all- they don’t know when to draw the line. And the westerners used think that they brought civilisation to us. Unbelievable!

Besides, the place was JAM-PACKED. Maybe because it was ladies’ night. i had hardly any space to dance, and with the space-hoggers around, i was practically ’shelved’. We were like books in different sizes and shapes haphazardly stuffed into an already crowded rack.

Oh but the girls there are HOT! I’m not only talking about me and my friends. Me and my girlfriend checked out quite a number of ‘em in the ladies’ room. There are so many sexy ladies, and they can dance so well. Thank God for them, if not i think Zouk can start packing up since its male patrons are so useless. You go, girls!

One more thing - this has got nothing to do with Zouk, it’s just me. I have such bad luck! I purposely went to Zouk hoping for trance and house music but, apparently, it was Ladies Night, a.k.a. Ghetto Heaven. So i had to spend a whole night listening to the usual - Beyonce, Sean Paul, Usher, etc. You get the drift. RnB is all the same.

So much for ‘hot and happenin” , huh?

The Disappointed One: Signing off - peace out, clubbers!

p/s: if you are a guy and you patronise Zouk often and feel offended, well, i just want you to know that…i’m glad you read this! Go and improve yourselves!

Dear Nobody,

It’s just unbelievable, how some people can excel in everything. I’m sure everyone has met the All-Rounder. you know, the good-looking person who is good in person, studies, sports, music, socializing, leadership, bed and…well, everything that a human can be good at.

Now i won’t even bother to hide my lack of self-esteem in this matter. Really, a person can be forgiven for having low self-confidence after hearing stories about these ’supermen/women’. Just yesterday my mom was telling me about her friend’s daughter, who just excels in every single thing she does. When she does swimming, she ends up representing the zone. When she does acting, she ends up acting in international plays (i refuse to specify which one lest anybody finds out and contributes to her fame). And she gets straight As, AND she’s HOT!

How unfair is that?* They say that everyone has their own strenghts. Well, it seems that mine lies in complaining and displaying my weaknesses. It’s not even a useful skill, and speaking of which, i have just realized that this blog is all wrong! This is supposed to be a look-how-awesome-my-life-is blog, not i’m-boring-and-have-low-self-esteem. Now that i recall, i haven’t even mentioned about going to the Heineken Thirst rave party, or talk about ‘freaks’ who try to contact me cause i’m hot and pretending that i’m scared but actually i’m vain and flattered. I think it’s because…well, none of that has been happening lately. Fine, now i admit i’m a total loser and am completely bored (and/or boring).

Oh, but I’m sure something is bound to happen soon, and everyone (if anyone- besides my only fan: Mr Yuan Wu) who reads this is going to be dead jealous!

Back to the topic: well, i know that i’m not all that useless. I thought that i was kinda hot and smart too, actually. (Yes, gag all you want- you who are living in denial) Unfortunately, it’s not all that true, as i soon found out. I was once out with a very beautiful friend, and, well, i thought i was up to her standard of beauty. So we’re shopping in Esprit, and this talent scout comes up to us and says, ‘are you interested in doing TV commercials, part-time?’ And me, I stupidly asked - ‘you mean, the both of us, or what?’, and she bluntly said ’she’ while pointing to my friend. Words cannot describe how i felt- i think i felt 19 times smaller than my already diminutive stature.

Yes, yes, i know, serve me right for being so full of myself. But, seriously- me, i don’t watch TV because i can stare in the mirror. But what about other people who have no choice but to watch TV? It would be doing them a great service if they picked me to appear in TV commercials.

Well, anyway, confidence or no confidence, i know when i’m feeling down in the dumps, it’s back to the old standby- there’s always someone out there worse than me! haha! Yes, that mysterious interesting girl that only my friends will know. Definitely worse than me. heheh.

The Jealous One: Signing off- peace out, losers!

*insert huge quantities of jealousy here

Dear Nobody,

Alright, first of all, i know that i talk too much. I’m sorry! I just have a lot to say (or complain about)! And, there is one question that has been bugging me incessantly for the past few years: Am i really THAT boring? You can tell me the truth, you know. Sure, it’ll piss me off at first, but at least it will set me free.

I’m telling you, people just tend to fall asleep whenever i talk to them. I have no idea why! Especially my mom and boyfriend. And one more thing you should know is that…my mom is an insomniac. Yes, she has sleeping problems, but whenever i start talking to her…i’ll end up talking at her, because she just drops off to sleep.

"Ma, you know today i went to BB plaza and there was this lingerie fair…"

"Oh? and..?"

"I bought this bra for only 15 bucks!! Look, it’s damn sexy rite? And it’s branded!!"

"mmm…."

"I also bought this pair of Guess jeans at the warehouse sale in the nearby hotel. It was only $79.90! Haha!! But i’m going to tell everyone i bought it for $395. Yes-lah! heheheheh…eh…ma…ma? Are you listening?"

"zzz…"

And the woman tells me she can’t sleep at night. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!

Really! At first i thought it was very rude of her, but i’ve come to realise the problem is with me, since even my talking has the same effect on my boyfriend. I tell you, this guy, he’s…

…hello…are you following me? I’m talking about…

Oh nevermind.

The Boring One: Signing off - peace out, sleepyheads!

Dear Nobody,

The first thing i have to confess is…

I think blogging is really lame.

I know, i’m doing it myself! But that’s because i wanted to put to use the Very Cool name of a blog (re: above), and also because i have time on my hands that i like wasting. Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that i have lots of time, it merely indicates that i have time, but i just choose to waste it in this way. You see, by writing in a blog, i get to mention about the places i went, people i meet and things i do so that other people can read my blog and go "whoa, this girl is happenin’! She’s been to that rave party?!" or "man, she’s so deep. A girl with character, i like!" or "this person is so high class! She only drinks coffee from Starbucks?". Well, you get the drift. Everybody wants to be Somebody.

Oh, and i want to post beautiful pics of myself in friendster too, so that people can see it and discuss/admire among themselves about how hot i am, and hopefully garner a few stalkers. Unfortunately, i have yet to get a perfect picture of myself. Seriously, you would think that in this day and age, we would be able to airbrush our pictures to the point of perfection. But no such luck, so far. But i’m positive that it’ll happen…someday. And even if it doesn’t, well i’m sure that there are plenty of people out there worse than me! yes-lah! Actually it’s one person in particular- my fellow friends will know who is that. A certain interesting individual.

The Narcissistic One: Signing off- peace out, suckers!!

p/s: yes, i purposely used the word ‘narcissistic’ instead of perasan - want to show off my vocab. Sue me!