Confessions of a Cereal Killer

Dear Nobody,

Just the other day, when I was bumming around the rest area in my faculty, I came across something very interesting. But before I get to the interesting part you have to bear with me while I explain the situation a bit.

So I was at the rest area when I decided I needed to use the toilet downstairs. So I went down to the basement, and in front of the toilet I saw a couple of old, used office desks and other furniture taking up a lot of space in the landing area. They were all piled on top of each other, all together and were bound with some raffia string, obviously waiting to be taken away.

Now the interesting bit is, there is a notice on the furniture, stating that it is to be disposed of. But instead of ‘untuk dibuang’ or something like that, this is what I saw:

“UNTUK DIKONDEM”?? I stood rooted to the spot and started laughing. LOL! Really, is that really supposed to mean ‘to be discarded’? If I’m not mistaken, it seems like the word ‘dikondem’ sounds like it’s borrowed from the English word ‘comdemn’. This BM language really cracks me up. I can stand words like ‘pengimplementasian’ (borrowed from implementation), or even ‘di-clampkan’ (‘to be clamped’, yes it’s true) but this is THE bomb! At first I doubted whether this word even exists until a quick flip through Kamus Dewan* confirmed that it exists, and it means ‘sudah rosak sama sekali dan tidak boleh dipakai lagi’. (‘di-clamp-kan’ doesn’t, though. Apparently it’s only valid in UM)

It’s funny and strange (although some might say ‘di-clamp-kan’ is funnier and weirder) not only because the word is borrowed from English, but also because of its meaning. Using this word in this context, it’s not really suitable. It really sounds a tad bit too dramatic, don’t you think? I mean, come on! ‘Condemn’. ‘Untuk Dikondem’. Sounds like they’re sending those desks to hell or something. Poor desks. Doomed forever. Sentenced to eternal damnation.

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Goodness! I mean, like, really…

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Well, that’s what I thought, until I searched the word ‘condemn’ on dictionary.com and I this is what I found:

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Hmm, looks like I underestimated the meaning of this word. But do you think it sounds less ridiculous in English? Think about coming across an abandoned building about to be demolished with a sign on the front that reads ‘to be condemned’? Well, I don’t know about you, but I would fucking laugh my ASS off if I saw that!

And now, I’m going off to pray for those poor doomed desks. May God have mercy on them.

The Stumped One: Signing off – Peace out, weirdos!

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*many thanks to the brilliant Charmian Choo for the use of her Kamus Dewan

Dear Nobody,

I understand how it feels to have bad complexion. I should know! I’ve been walking around looking like a pizza face lately. Damn and confound the sebum on my face. Well let me tell you, what’s worse than being a pizza-face is that people notice that you’re a pizza-face. And what’s worse than having people notice your fucking pizza-face is that they make comments about it. And what’s worse than that? Is that they make those comments not meaning to insult, but in a very matter-of-fact way, as if it’s the most sane thing to do.

So I’m walking along hand in hand with my ever sexy boyfriend in Jusco Mid Valley on an oppressively hot Wednesday afternoon, my ‘shining like the moon’ face devoid of makeup and not giving a damn cause I thought no one goes to lousy department stores like Jusco on Wednesdays especially when there’s no sale going on. Apparently I was wrong because I bumped into an old (and dear) friend of mine going for asam laksa tea break (damn that Jusco eatery) with an old acquaintance.

I saw them from a distance of six feet, and knowing I was bare-faced that day I naturally went ‘oh shit!’ and darted behind a rack of spanners (we were in the hardware department). I really couldn’t be spotted with my face full of caked blood and dead skin. Really, it was terribly wounded due to my pressing of four zits that converged at a single spot on my forehead between my eyebrows. So i hid.

Alas, my teeny frame couldn’t be hidden by a rack of tools and Yan Yan (the old acquaintance) spotted me.

Yan Yan: Hey, it’s…Therese!

Yi Ling: Hey! (giggles insanely in her usual way)

Therese: Hello! Hello Yan Yan! What a coincidence…you guys shopping?

YL: Yes…(looks distracted…stares at Therese’s pimply forehead)

YY: Your boyfriend? (stares at the sexy one but inadvertently looks at my face in wonderment)

Therese: er…yes he’s here…

I proceeded to introduce him but they didn’t get much time to exchange pleasantries for Yi Ling seemed all too eager to point out the huge wound on my face. She pointed at my forehead and went ‘hey…your…’ and burst into another series of insane giggles (again).

Well no need to describe how I felt. If you thought my pizza face was like a Pizza Hut pizza then at that moment I was felt like I was demoted to the lousy ‘pizza bread’ they sell at New Zealand Cake House.

But dear Yi Ling, I don’t blame you because, well, there are some things in life you just have to comment on. Because it just seemed, well, it seemed the most normal thing to do. And the giggling…well I know that’s the most normal thing to do too, for you at least. Heheh. And I know you don’t mean any offence to me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and comment on other people’s faces(IF there is even anything to comment about) because I’m normal and I do normal stuff.

The Pimply One: Signing off – peace out, hotties!