Confessions of a Cereal Killer

Dear Nobody,

I’m fading away! Yes, I’m getting so damn thin that, one day, there’ll be nothing of me left. Well there’s already so little of me I’m sure it won’t take long for me to disappear altogether.

What a depressing thought.

I’m underweight, pimply and have limp hair. I wonder what happened to the days when I was still hot and fuckable?

So I was in KLCC, when I was waiting for my boyfriend to finish his business in the loo. I was just standing outside by the banisters, you know, just hangin’, chilin’. Then there was this old aunty -with her three screaming annoying kids who were running around- who was also waiting for god knows whom.

She looked at me, or rather, obviously secretly scrutinized me. Well, I’m used to that kind of attention, of course. That’s what you get for being hot. (I know I just complained that I’m ugly, but on that day I had on really good makeup, so I just assumed my makeup worked). So she looked at me. And me, I just do the same old, same old: look elsewhere and try not to look too proud while I swell with pride inwardly.

I stole a glance in her direction to see if she’s still admiring me. She caught my eye and smiled. Okay! That was a good sign, I thought. She’s smiling. Evidently people always want to befriend good-looking people. Not a problem at all! So I smiled back. And then she started walking towards me…

All the while I’m thinking: Oh great! Therese, she might want to tell you she has never seen anybody so good looking in her life! Hmm but then again, you didn’t put mascara today, is the makeup really that effective? But maybe…

I took a breath and tried to look mildly surprised when she approaches me.

“You…sangat kurus. You know?” She smiles. My mildly-surprised look falters a little. She sees it. She says “Er…slim! Good.” Before pointing at me and flashing a thumbs up sign and moving away.

Strangers, PERFECT strangers, are coming up to me telling me I’m too thin. Oh God, what am I to do?

My boyfriend says: ‘dear, I think there is something seriously wrong with you. Yes I know you’re turning green, with all your veins sticking out. No, you’re not turning into a zombie, you’re just really too thin! You have to see a doctor. You could be sick, you know. Maybe you have breast cancer. I think you should let me help you check for lumps.’

‘…’

‘Okay, okay…the doctor can do it…’

I am going to have a second lunch.

The Scrawny One: Signing off – peace out, fatsos!

Dear Nobody,

I was out shopping with a friend today – she needed to buy a new mobile phone. Well, so there were various phones in different shapes and sizes, the clam-shells and the candy bars. And I stumbled upon something so astonishing, so astounding, that I simply have to do a spot of advertising here.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, behold The Nokia  7610.

Now if you’re wondering what is so great about this particular mobile that it compels me to do free advertising for Nokia, please be patient and hear me out. Now when you purchase the NOKIA 7610, the standard practice is this: you buy the phone itself, and then you buy the ‘extra software’ as well, because, apparently, this phone is one of the ‘smart’ ones where its software is upgradeable. Did you know that the phone does not have an auto-keylock function? So when you purchase it you have to ‘upgrade’ your software so the phone can do that. Heck, my mom’s ancient 6510 can lock its own keys in under 10 seconds. What a cheap trick to get consumers to pay extra!

Alright, I’m coming to the part where I explain how come this mobile completely bowled me over. (Can’t help complaining, sorry, I’ve been living for 2 decades with my grandma) So we were looking through the list of software that can be installed into the phone by the proprietor. I came across something with the title ‘anti-mosquito’. ‘Hey what’s this: Anti-mosquito?’ I queried.

‘Oh, that’s probably some kind of game,’ my friend replied. Then the salesman interrupted us. ‘No, it’s not. It’s um….actually, it’s a software that keeps the mosquitoes away’.

‘WHAT?! Oh!!! How does it work?’ I asked, jaws all on the floor.

‘Well, it changes the frequency of the waves and keeps them bugs away.’

What do you think of that?! A phone, which is able to make calls, send and receive messages (both text and graphic, mind you), enable bluetooth and infra-red technology, take pictures, AND repel mosquitoes! Well maybe I’m just too outdated but this is….un-FUCKING-believable! Please excuse the harsh language but such an incident calls for such descriptive language (to emphasize the point). I was totally flabbergasted. Really! Looks like mobile phones are set to be the next big thing, even bigger than the internet. Soon, in the future, there’ll be no need for anything anymore. We already have no need for television sets (you can subscribe to astro and watch its programmes on the 7610 as well) or radios, gaming consoles, cameras and real life courtship (you can sit opposite of each other in the LRT and send each other love-dovey cutesy Messy Maro text messages to your boi-boi/gurl-gurl or whatever the F), and now…mosquito repellents.

Technology, it’s advancing, too fast! I bet if artificial intelligence became self aware, our cellular phones would be the first to wake up and start destroying us. Not some ‘Skynet software’ that will send cybernetic organisms back in time to blast us to pieces with a mini-gun. Oh, no…they’ll be subtle. The damned phones will probably emit deadly radioactive waves and kill us all with brain-cancer.

Yeah, so, your phone has 3G technology and a 5 megapixel camera. But does it repel mosquitoes as well?

The Outdated One: Signing off – peace out, dorks!

Dear Nobody,

Yesterday, i went to Zouk! Yes, ladees and gentlemen, i was HOT and HAPPENIN’!!! It was ladies night and…well, i was hoping to talk about how many cute guys approached me and the way i rejected them but…too bad! All that approached me were slimeballs and/or ugly dancers.

Alright, now i’m going to release my barrage of complaints. First of all, Zouk is totally overrated (well, at least Zouk - Mainroom is)! What is so great about that place? I was really looking forward to going there yesterday because i heard so much about it. But i was severely disappointed.

Let me start with the guys there. I’ve never met a bunch of people who dance as badly as those guys or who are sleazier than them. I’ll start with the malay guys. They stand around the edges of the dancefloor and bars and make squeaky noises not unlike those that are made by rodents whenever a member of the opposite sex passes by. When i first stepped into the club and heard that i half thought there were rats around. Man, how desperate can you get?! It’s as if they’ve never seen girls before.

And then, there are those indian guys. They hog the dance floor to show off their ’shuffling’. And the rest of us- we had to step aside and stick to the wall- or in this case, to each other- to avoid them! i ended up sandwiched between my girlfriends while snapping my fingers and weakly moving my shoulders in an attempt to dance in a confined space. Plus, their dance moves were so ugly!

Speaking of which, this brings me to the subject of chinese guys. They. Simply. Can’t. Dance. Period. All they do is stand around and move one fist in a stabbing motion (which i thought was kinda alarming- what do these guys really mean by shaking their fists like that? In a stabbing motion!) while staring around at hot chicks. They don’t even bother to use both hands! Obviously, these guys can’t multitask. If you want to admire girls why not just stand by the bar or the table istead of taking up space on the dance floor? Do they honestly think some girl will catch their eye and ask them to dance? These guys gotta wake up.

But the worse of the lot has got to be those caucasians. Apparently they really come to clubs hoping to hook up some sarong party girl. Some of them are REAL SLIMEBALLS! They really disgust me. There’s this one guy who wanted me to spank him! Well, maybe i could be a sport and give him a lil’ pat on the ass if he didn’t try grabbing MY ass! Goodness. These guys have no Social Decorum at all- they don’t know when to draw the line. And the westerners used think that they brought civilisation to us. Unbelievable!

Besides, the place was JAM-PACKED. Maybe because it was ladies’ night. i had hardly any space to dance, and with the space-hoggers around, i was practically ’shelved’. We were like books in different sizes and shapes haphazardly stuffed into an already crowded rack.

Oh but the girls there are HOT! I’m not only talking about me and my friends. Me and my girlfriend checked out quite a number of ‘em in the ladies’ room. There are so many sexy ladies, and they can dance so well. Thank God for them, if not i think Zouk can start packing up since its male patrons are so useless. You go, girls!

One more thing - this has got nothing to do with Zouk, it’s just me. I have such bad luck! I purposely went to Zouk hoping for trance and house music but, apparently, it was Ladies Night, a.k.a. Ghetto Heaven. So i had to spend a whole night listening to the usual - Beyonce, Sean Paul, Usher, etc. You get the drift. RnB is all the same.

So much for ‘hot and happenin” , huh?

The Disappointed One: Signing off - peace out, clubbers!

p/s: if you are a guy and you patronise Zouk often and feel offended, well, i just want you to know that…i’m glad you read this! Go and improve yourselves!

Dear Nobody,

It’s just unbelievable, how some people can excel in everything. I’m sure everyone has met the All-Rounder. you know, the good-looking person who is good in person, studies, sports, music, socializing, leadership, bed and…well, everything that a human can be good at.

Now i won’t even bother to hide my lack of self-esteem in this matter. Really, a person can be forgiven for having low self-confidence after hearing stories about these ’supermen/women’. Just yesterday my mom was telling me about her friend’s daughter, who just excels in every single thing she does. When she does swimming, she ends up representing the zone. When she does acting, she ends up acting in international plays (i refuse to specify which one lest anybody finds out and contributes to her fame). And she gets straight As, AND she’s HOT!

How unfair is that?* They say that everyone has their own strenghts. Well, it seems that mine lies in complaining and displaying my weaknesses. It’s not even a useful skill, and speaking of which, i have just realized that this blog is all wrong! This is supposed to be a look-how-awesome-my-life-is blog, not i’m-boring-and-have-low-self-esteem. Now that i recall, i haven’t even mentioned about going to the Heineken Thirst rave party, or talk about ‘freaks’ who try to contact me cause i’m hot and pretending that i’m scared but actually i’m vain and flattered. I think it’s because…well, none of that has been happening lately. Fine, now i admit i’m a total loser and am completely bored (and/or boring).

Oh, but I’m sure something is bound to happen soon, and everyone (if anyone- besides my only fan: Mr Yuan Wu) who reads this is going to be dead jealous!

Back to the topic: well, i know that i’m not all that useless. I thought that i was kinda hot and smart too, actually. (Yes, gag all you want- you who are living in denial) Unfortunately, it’s not all that true, as i soon found out. I was once out with a very beautiful friend, and, well, i thought i was up to her standard of beauty. So we’re shopping in Esprit, and this talent scout comes up to us and says, ‘are you interested in doing TV commercials, part-time?’ And me, I stupidly asked - ‘you mean, the both of us, or what?’, and she bluntly said ’she’ while pointing to my friend. Words cannot describe how i felt- i think i felt 19 times smaller than my already diminutive stature.

Yes, yes, i know, serve me right for being so full of myself. But, seriously- me, i don’t watch TV because i can stare in the mirror. But what about other people who have no choice but to watch TV? It would be doing them a great service if they picked me to appear in TV commercials.

Well, anyway, confidence or no confidence, i know when i’m feeling down in the dumps, it’s back to the old standby- there’s always someone out there worse than me! haha! Yes, that mysterious interesting girl that only my friends will know. Definitely worse than me. heheh.

The Jealous One: Signing off- peace out, losers!

*insert huge quantities of jealousy here

Dear Nobody,

Alright, first of all, i know that i talk too much. I’m sorry! I just have a lot to say (or complain about)! And, there is one question that has been bugging me incessantly for the past few years: Am i really THAT boring? You can tell me the truth, you know. Sure, it’ll piss me off at first, but at least it will set me free.

I’m telling you, people just tend to fall asleep whenever i talk to them. I have no idea why! Especially my mom and boyfriend. And one more thing you should know is that…my mom is an insomniac. Yes, she has sleeping problems, but whenever i start talking to her…i’ll end up talking at her, because she just drops off to sleep.

"Ma, you know today i went to BB plaza and there was this lingerie fair…"

"Oh? and..?"

"I bought this bra for only 15 bucks!! Look, it’s damn sexy rite? And it’s branded!!"

"mmm…."

"I also bought this pair of Guess jeans at the warehouse sale in the nearby hotel. It was only $79.90! Haha!! But i’m going to tell everyone i bought it for $395. Yes-lah! heheheheh…eh…ma…ma? Are you listening?"

"zzz…"

And the woman tells me she can’t sleep at night. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!

Really! At first i thought it was very rude of her, but i’ve come to realise the problem is with me, since even my talking has the same effect on my boyfriend. I tell you, this guy, he’s…

…hello…are you following me? I’m talking about…

Oh nevermind.

The Boring One: Signing off - peace out, sleepyheads!

Dear Nobody,

The first thing i have to confess is…

I think blogging is really lame.

I know, i’m doing it myself! But that’s because i wanted to put to use the Very Cool name of a blog (re: above), and also because i have time on my hands that i like wasting. Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that i have lots of time, it merely indicates that i have time, but i just choose to waste it in this way. You see, by writing in a blog, i get to mention about the places i went, people i meet and things i do so that other people can read my blog and go "whoa, this girl is happenin’! She’s been to that rave party?!" or "man, she’s so deep. A girl with character, i like!" or "this person is so high class! She only drinks coffee from Starbucks?". Well, you get the drift. Everybody wants to be Somebody.

Oh, and i want to post beautiful pics of myself in friendster too, so that people can see it and discuss/admire among themselves about how hot i am, and hopefully garner a few stalkers. Unfortunately, i have yet to get a perfect picture of myself. Seriously, you would think that in this day and age, we would be able to airbrush our pictures to the point of perfection. But no such luck, so far. But i’m positive that it’ll happen…someday. And even if it doesn’t, well i’m sure that there are plenty of people out there worse than me! yes-lah! Actually it’s one person in particular- my fellow friends will know who is that. A certain interesting individual.

The Narcissistic One: Signing off- peace out, suckers!!

p/s: yes, i purposely used the word ‘narcissistic’ instead of perasan - want to show off my vocab. Sue me!